I creep around the house trying not to be noticed. A creak here, a creak there and I think the vibrations begin earthquakes. I slink up the stairs from my dark, dank cellar. One, two flights then safety amongst the masticated dolls and toys who have fallen victim to the monster...
And there is a monster that lives here. No one will believe me, I doubt even you, faithful reader, but she does. She's small, yes. Beautiful, of course. Deadly, undoubtedly! She'll mame you for putting her shoe out of place, put you in iron grips for not agreeing to her capricious whims, and kill you with her mommy death-blows for making her the littlest bit angry. She is one to be watched and I am her watcher!
During the day, while mommy is away, she is demanding but fair. She rules her lair with that of the Queen of Hearts, taking those whom she trusts into her care and attacking those whom she deems traitors of the day. The hard part? She changes her mind like a deranged ferret, hopping back and forth between "feelings" and "impulses" like a mad woman. Those who try to please her fall into teddy bear prison, a not so bad place made up of derelict teddies who've found their crimes paid for and are a sign for you to keep your place with kisses and chocolate. Then there are those who fall into disaster mayhem where spitting and pinching are not uncommon and screaming and yelling are frequent on the eardrums. They're jobs are made tougher and longer, and after they're finished, and who knows when that will be, they are sent to the dungeon to pay for their impudence.
And that, that stuffy, hot cavern of a cell is where I live. I, Gollum, have taken board in the place where no other wishes to be. I've found a home in the dark, in the night. Because I, I alone, stand up to the monster! I am a new Gollum! I fight for my esteem, though I have none. I fight for respect, though the term is archaic. I fight...I fight...
But then I don't. Then I stumble down after fighting all day. Down, down to my dank coffin of a room and stealthily pull, very tenderly grab My Precious... She's one of a kind, white as new snow or my father's aging hair. She's crisp, too, delicate. One fall and she'd break into bits, leaving me more alone than ever before. She tells me stories, you see, of a world not here. She explains events that end with good over evil, and righteousness over malice. She knows me, understands me. She's named "Kindle" because she lights a fire in the darkness, but to me she is only "My Precious", and My Precious is the secret of my dwelling. Without her, I'd have rotted a long, long time ago. She's my savior and I am her faithful, loving Gollum. Together, My Precious and I, we shall fight the terrible, impenetrable monster! The end is coming!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Not a nanny
It's only taken me six weeks, but I've finally realized that I'm not cut-out to be a nanny. Through conversations with both Brendan and my parents (though sadly rare while working here) I was reminded time and again that there's more to life than this, and that I don't have to be here if I'm miserable- FREEDOM and HAPPINESS are always options.
What's funny is that since I can remember, it has always been my prerogative to tell others that they have escape, that if they're unhappy to change it and follow something that makes them happier and more fulfilled. And now, when the shoe is on the other foot, that it takes me a long time to listen and activate the changes needed.
And yet, I did finally listen and am now activating the following:
1) Quit job as live-in nanny (has one month notice - so end date is Aug. 11/12)
2) Move out of "home" and into REAL home with Brendan
3) Find other work that allows me to be there and have some down time.
4) Study away for the GRE, apply to grad schools and get recommendations before November.
5) In the meantime, and there should be a lot more than I have now, talk with my friends and family, play music and write new songs on my guitar, draw, run, dance, travel, eat and eat and eat and read!
What's most obvious about my ineptitude for this position is that I've known freedom since I can remember, I grew up free and believing everyone is equal. No matter the changes that have come so far, that is one characteristic that is unbreakable. In this position, it has been a challenge everyday to assert my equality and to find some chance for self-expression. Not only does the girl not listen to anything I say, she also treats me like a dog, expecting me to come whenever she wants me (not needs, but wants) and to do whatever she asks. Something I have tried to break her of but have only met worse rage and anger. I'm so exhausted from the day before that I don't have any energy to continue my protest. I end up doing the things just because I'm tired of fighting.
Perhaps that's how despotism works? It's just easier to roll over and be bossed around than it is to fight everyday for what's good. I'm still going to fight (when I can and have the energy), but I now know that my battle is not in this household, not with this child and not as a nanny. It's definitely a lot bigger and more important, and it's definitely worth the fight, and that is my life, my family, my friends. (I know that's a lot of possessive usage, but it now means a lot to say that somethings don't belong to the six year-old and that somethings are MINE and all MINE!
What's funny is that since I can remember, it has always been my prerogative to tell others that they have escape, that if they're unhappy to change it and follow something that makes them happier and more fulfilled. And now, when the shoe is on the other foot, that it takes me a long time to listen and activate the changes needed.
And yet, I did finally listen and am now activating the following:
1) Quit job as live-in nanny (has one month notice - so end date is Aug. 11/12)
2) Move out of "home" and into REAL home with Brendan
3) Find other work that allows me to be there and have some down time.
4) Study away for the GRE, apply to grad schools and get recommendations before November.
5) In the meantime, and there should be a lot more than I have now, talk with my friends and family, play music and write new songs on my guitar, draw, run, dance, travel, eat and eat and eat and read!
What's most obvious about my ineptitude for this position is that I've known freedom since I can remember, I grew up free and believing everyone is equal. No matter the changes that have come so far, that is one characteristic that is unbreakable. In this position, it has been a challenge everyday to assert my equality and to find some chance for self-expression. Not only does the girl not listen to anything I say, she also treats me like a dog, expecting me to come whenever she wants me (not needs, but wants) and to do whatever she asks. Something I have tried to break her of but have only met worse rage and anger. I'm so exhausted from the day before that I don't have any energy to continue my protest. I end up doing the things just because I'm tired of fighting.
Perhaps that's how despotism works? It's just easier to roll over and be bossed around than it is to fight everyday for what's good. I'm still going to fight (when I can and have the energy), but I now know that my battle is not in this household, not with this child and not as a nanny. It's definitely a lot bigger and more important, and it's definitely worth the fight, and that is my life, my family, my friends. (I know that's a lot of possessive usage, but it now means a lot to say that somethings don't belong to the six year-old and that somethings are MINE and all MINE!
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