Not a nanny

It's only taken me six weeks, but I've finally realized that I'm not cut-out to be a nanny. Through conversations with both Brendan and my parents (though sadly rare while working here) I was reminded time and again that there's more to life than this, and that I don't have to be here if I'm miserable- FREEDOM and HAPPINESS are always options.

What's funny is that since I can remember, it has always been my prerogative to tell others that they have escape, that if they're unhappy to change it and follow something that makes them happier and more fulfilled. And now, when the shoe is on the other foot, that it takes me a long time to listen and activate the changes needed.

And yet, I did finally listen and am now activating the following:

1) Quit job as live-in nanny (has one month notice - so end date is Aug. 11/12)
2) Move out of "home" and into REAL home with Brendan
3) Find other work that allows me to be there and have some down time.
4) Study away for the GRE, apply to grad schools and get recommendations before November.
5) In the meantime, and there should be a lot more than I have now, talk with my friends and family, play music and write new songs on my guitar, draw, run, dance, travel, eat and eat and eat and read!

What's most obvious about my ineptitude for this position is that I've known freedom since I can remember, I grew up free and believing everyone is equal. No matter the changes that have come so far, that is one characteristic that is unbreakable. In this position, it has been a challenge everyday to assert my equality and to find some chance for self-expression. Not only does the girl not listen to anything I say, she also treats me like a dog, expecting me to come whenever she wants me (not needs, but wants) and to do whatever she asks. Something I have tried to break her of but have only met worse rage and anger. I'm so exhausted from the day before that I don't have any energy to continue my protest. I end up doing the things just because I'm tired of fighting.

Perhaps that's how despotism works? It's just easier to roll over and be bossed around than it is to fight everyday for what's good. I'm still going to fight (when I can and have the energy), but I now know that my battle is not in this household, not with this child and not as a nanny. It's definitely a lot bigger and more important, and it's definitely worth the fight, and that is my life, my family, my friends. (I know that's a lot of possessive usage, but it now means a lot to say that somethings don't belong to the six year-old and that somethings are MINE and all MINE!