Saturday, August 6th, 2011: the first day of my life.
I'm now a free person and enjoying the freedom of saying yes and no. I say the latter a lot more now. I also like buying my own food and choosing what I want to eat. What I do is limited as of right now- as I sprained my ankle last week and again today. Thus, my life is marked by four walls again. On the bright side, they have a Brendan and lots of pillows and chocolate. I may not have freedom of movement (namely running- which I've missed almost as much as Brendan), but I have time and love and choices that are all mine and no one else's and that is the beauty of Saturday, yesterday and today and every day after. They're all mine and I get to choose how I spend them.
Also - news on the new job front: I'm pretty certain I have a new job with an elementary school! They want to hire both Brendan and myself and have offered us joint housing as well. This is very, very good news as now B and I can see more than enough of each other and have the freedom to choose not to! :P B will work as a real elementary teacher, for grades 3 to 6, and I will work as a kindergarten teacher, so children ranging in age from 4 to 6. I'm very happy with that level and excited to play more than instruct on grammar! So, yay! We have a life to look forward to! We may be successful in Istanbul yet!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Never-ending story
I want to write this before it does a one-eighty, and who knows when that could be.
Lately, the girl has been very good for me. I mean super good - so much so that I forget I'm working. And if I forget I'm working, I must be having - dare I say it - fun? I think I am. And it's a crazy thought because for the past two months I've been in what feels like the darkest pit of hell. Yet, this week, and last now that I think of it, the girl has been anything but a monster. (Apart from the day she started screaming, scratching and hitting me because she didn't want to get out of the bath. Besides that.) She's been a pretty good friend and playmate for that whole time, which makes me think - again, dare I say - she actually likes me? She may miss me when I go? And when I think about that, well, it just makes me feel bad about going - like I'm the one who is being selfish. I know I need my life back, but I think I may be getting sucked into a void deeper and scarier than hell, I believe some call it "happiness"? Others say "love"?
Whatever the correct term is for it, I definitely care about the girl. And caring is going to make going a lot harder. Lot, lot, lot, LOT harder. And what's more, today - very sweet and obviously very thoughtful because she made a point for me to hear it (like stopped on the way down the stairs when she was already late to go to the movies with her father), she said: "Thank you for everything, Jenna." I was totally not expecting such a kindness. I just looked at her and smiled and could only think to reply, "You're very welcome, Lal. That is so kind of you to say. Thank you for saying "thank you"." Then we took a few steps and she stopped again and said, "And... and I am really sorry you can't come to the movies with me and my dad." Again, I was dumbfounded and touched at such thought from what I've called "monster" for the past two months and just said, "I am, too. I'd like to see a movie with you as well, but you and your dad will have a great time together, just you two without a silly nanny around." She kind of nodded and I followed her out to the car that was waiting. And as I put her in she seemed really sad and thoughtful. I think she thinks I'm leaving soon, very soon because as the car pulled out and I waved, she just looked out the window into space, like she was not wanting to be alone anymore.
So, anyways, that was what is occurring in the daily house of chaos. I don't know what to do even more because I don't want to leave the girl. I really care for her. Yet, I just don't know if I can give my next year of life to a mad house. If it was just her, I could do it no problem. She's good, really she is. She just misses her parents, she wants them to be around and to show her attention, to love her. Right now I'm a stand-in for that and I can only imagine what it's like to change stand-ins for the sixth time in your life. It has got to be difficult to understand. I'm sure she wonders why she needs a nanny and then why none will stay with her for so long. So though she has people around her everyday all day, it hurts her to feel like none want her and love her all the time - not just when they "feel" like it or are paid to as I am. I really do care but I'm sure it's confusing to know that I'm also paid to care. Doesn't change what I feel, but to a six year old it would be difficult to understand.
Rambles galore today - sorry. Just very much in my head these days and have to put those head things some where. As here is the only place that is always in my time zone AND tells me not to shut up, I will hang my head stuff here. Anyways, another update should be soon. I'm expecting to leave here within the weekend.
Lately, the girl has been very good for me. I mean super good - so much so that I forget I'm working. And if I forget I'm working, I must be having - dare I say it - fun? I think I am. And it's a crazy thought because for the past two months I've been in what feels like the darkest pit of hell. Yet, this week, and last now that I think of it, the girl has been anything but a monster. (Apart from the day she started screaming, scratching and hitting me because she didn't want to get out of the bath. Besides that.) She's been a pretty good friend and playmate for that whole time, which makes me think - again, dare I say - she actually likes me? She may miss me when I go? And when I think about that, well, it just makes me feel bad about going - like I'm the one who is being selfish. I know I need my life back, but I think I may be getting sucked into a void deeper and scarier than hell, I believe some call it "happiness"? Others say "love"?
Whatever the correct term is for it, I definitely care about the girl. And caring is going to make going a lot harder. Lot, lot, lot, LOT harder. And what's more, today - very sweet and obviously very thoughtful because she made a point for me to hear it (like stopped on the way down the stairs when she was already late to go to the movies with her father), she said: "Thank you for everything, Jenna." I was totally not expecting such a kindness. I just looked at her and smiled and could only think to reply, "You're very welcome, Lal. That is so kind of you to say. Thank you for saying "thank you"." Then we took a few steps and she stopped again and said, "And... and I am really sorry you can't come to the movies with me and my dad." Again, I was dumbfounded and touched at such thought from what I've called "monster" for the past two months and just said, "I am, too. I'd like to see a movie with you as well, but you and your dad will have a great time together, just you two without a silly nanny around." She kind of nodded and I followed her out to the car that was waiting. And as I put her in she seemed really sad and thoughtful. I think she thinks I'm leaving soon, very soon because as the car pulled out and I waved, she just looked out the window into space, like she was not wanting to be alone anymore.
So, anyways, that was what is occurring in the daily house of chaos. I don't know what to do even more because I don't want to leave the girl. I really care for her. Yet, I just don't know if I can give my next year of life to a mad house. If it was just her, I could do it no problem. She's good, really she is. She just misses her parents, she wants them to be around and to show her attention, to love her. Right now I'm a stand-in for that and I can only imagine what it's like to change stand-ins for the sixth time in your life. It has got to be difficult to understand. I'm sure she wonders why she needs a nanny and then why none will stay with her for so long. So though she has people around her everyday all day, it hurts her to feel like none want her and love her all the time - not just when they "feel" like it or are paid to as I am. I really do care but I'm sure it's confusing to know that I'm also paid to care. Doesn't change what I feel, but to a six year old it would be difficult to understand.
Rambles galore today - sorry. Just very much in my head these days and have to put those head things some where. As here is the only place that is always in my time zone AND tells me not to shut up, I will hang my head stuff here. Anyways, another update should be soon. I'm expecting to leave here within the weekend.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Am I done yet?
It's been almost four weeks (three weeks and two days which in my book is almost 4) since I've said "Quit." But, it seems in this house "quit" doesn't mean "finished, done, kaput, take a gander at my bum while i walk out your front door," nor does it seem to mean any of those will occur in the near future. The contract (that I never signed but am holding to because I believe in honor and justice and all that) says for four weeks notice. Monday, August 8th is four weeks exactly. After that, I'm not bound to the house of crazy in any way. I can walk "legally". Yet, if they don't find a nanny by then what do I do? Do I leave them hanging with a sick grandpa 6 hours away that the mom has to go visit while dad tries to juggle the house on his own? How much do I care about the well-being of this family? They don't care one lick about me. They've proven it over and over again, and especially since I've said I'm going. Yet, I feel bad. Is that just the mid-west gentile? Should I ignore it and bolt as soon as my "contract" allows?
What's more, it's exhausting to worry over it, to worry over the girl because even though she is an annoying six year old at times, she is also very sweet and loving and in need of someone to cry to when mum isn't able to be around. So, I worry over her, I worry over leaving the family without a caregiver for the girl, I worry over my visa and finding other jobs after this, over a place to live after this. I need time next week to go into interviews and pick a school (I have three interested in me, all with similar contracts.) I need time to find an apartment as well. I've been searching online for the past week with Brendan. We keep e-mailing each other back and forth similar ad posts. Yet, we can't decide until we know where I'll work. And I don't know that until I know when I'm finished with this job. This job, however, seems never-ending. Am I done yet?!
Also, the news on the home front makes me more homesick than ever. A new person has come into the world! A little girl named Lauryn. My mom sent me a photo of her and her grandma (my aunt) and she's so adorable I want to do that pinching cheeks thing that kids hate. She's almost a week old now, but what I'd really like to do is fly home and meet her, see her brother and sister and the family. Just for a week or two.
I'd also like to pay my respects to my step-grandma who past away last week. I didn't get to visit her when I was home last and I'd like to say a goodbye though she won't really hear it. Yet, I found out that the postcard I sent (in my first wave of trials with the Turkish post) actually made it to her! I think that's some proof of a miracle! Anyways, I'm just glad she knew I cared before she was gone. I've always thought we don't do enough to show our care during life - like they always say "Don't speak ill of the dead." But what about the living? Is it okay to speak ill of them? Why give flowers to a grave when they fit much better in a life filled hand? I think maybe the small reminders of care can lift a person up, how high doesn't matter. A lift maybe all that's needed. I hope that my simple postcard did that for Glady because I'm sure kind words are much harder to hear when you're six feet under.
So, that's where I'm at these days. In limbo and awaiting news about anything. I'd like to quit and fly home on the first flight to MSP, but that's not the way I was raised. I'm not a quitter- quitter. One who lets people down and hurst others. I'm trying to end this well, it's just knowing how long it is til the end that is most trying.
What's more, it's exhausting to worry over it, to worry over the girl because even though she is an annoying six year old at times, she is also very sweet and loving and in need of someone to cry to when mum isn't able to be around. So, I worry over her, I worry over leaving the family without a caregiver for the girl, I worry over my visa and finding other jobs after this, over a place to live after this. I need time next week to go into interviews and pick a school (I have three interested in me, all with similar contracts.) I need time to find an apartment as well. I've been searching online for the past week with Brendan. We keep e-mailing each other back and forth similar ad posts. Yet, we can't decide until we know where I'll work. And I don't know that until I know when I'm finished with this job. This job, however, seems never-ending. Am I done yet?!
Also, the news on the home front makes me more homesick than ever. A new person has come into the world! A little girl named Lauryn. My mom sent me a photo of her and her grandma (my aunt) and she's so adorable I want to do that pinching cheeks thing that kids hate. She's almost a week old now, but what I'd really like to do is fly home and meet her, see her brother and sister and the family. Just for a week or two.
I'd also like to pay my respects to my step-grandma who past away last week. I didn't get to visit her when I was home last and I'd like to say a goodbye though she won't really hear it. Yet, I found out that the postcard I sent (in my first wave of trials with the Turkish post) actually made it to her! I think that's some proof of a miracle! Anyways, I'm just glad she knew I cared before she was gone. I've always thought we don't do enough to show our care during life - like they always say "Don't speak ill of the dead." But what about the living? Is it okay to speak ill of them? Why give flowers to a grave when they fit much better in a life filled hand? I think maybe the small reminders of care can lift a person up, how high doesn't matter. A lift maybe all that's needed. I hope that my simple postcard did that for Glady because I'm sure kind words are much harder to hear when you're six feet under.
So, that's where I'm at these days. In limbo and awaiting news about anything. I'd like to quit and fly home on the first flight to MSP, but that's not the way I was raised. I'm not a quitter- quitter. One who lets people down and hurst others. I'm trying to end this well, it's just knowing how long it is til the end that is most trying.
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