Never-ending story

I want to write this before it does a one-eighty, and who knows when that could be.

Lately, the girl has been very good for me. I mean super good - so much so that I forget I'm working. And if I forget I'm working, I must be having - dare I say it - fun? I think I am. And it's a crazy thought because for the past two months I've been in what feels like the darkest pit of hell. Yet, this week, and last now that I think of it, the girl has been anything but a monster. (Apart from the day she started screaming, scratching and hitting me because she didn't want to get out of the bath. Besides that.) She's been a pretty good friend and playmate for that whole time, which makes me think - again, dare I say - she actually likes me? She may miss me when I go? And when I think about that, well, it just makes me feel bad about going - like I'm the one who is being selfish. I know I need my life back, but I think I may be getting sucked into a void deeper and scarier than hell, I believe some call it "happiness"? Others say "love"?

Whatever the correct term is for it, I definitely care about the girl. And caring is going to make going a lot harder. Lot, lot, lot, LOT harder. And what's more, today - very sweet and obviously very thoughtful because she made a point for me to hear it (like stopped on the way down the stairs when she was already late to go to the movies with her father), she said: "Thank you for everything, Jenna." I was totally not expecting such a kindness. I just looked at her and smiled and could only think to reply, "You're very welcome, Lal. That is so kind of you to say. Thank you for saying "thank you"." Then we took a few steps and she stopped again and said, "And... and I am really sorry you can't come to the movies with me and my dad." Again, I was dumbfounded and touched at such thought from what I've called "monster" for the past two months and just said, "I am, too. I'd like to see a movie with you as well, but you and your dad will have a great time together, just you two without a silly nanny around." She kind of nodded and I followed her out to the car that was waiting. And as I put her in she seemed really sad and thoughtful. I think she thinks I'm leaving soon, very soon because as the car pulled out and I waved, she just looked out the window into space, like she was not wanting to be alone anymore.

So, anyways, that was what is occurring in the daily house of chaos. I don't know what to do even more because I don't want to leave the girl. I really care for her. Yet, I just don't know if I can give my next year of life to a mad house. If it was just her, I could do it no problem. She's good, really she is. She just misses her parents, she wants them to be around and to show her attention, to love her. Right now I'm a stand-in for that and I can only imagine what it's like to change stand-ins for the sixth time in your life. It has got to be difficult to understand. I'm sure she wonders why she needs a nanny and then why none will stay with her for so long. So though she has people around her everyday all day, it hurts her to feel like none want her and love her all the time - not just when they "feel" like it or are paid to as I am. I really do care but I'm sure it's confusing to know that I'm also paid to care. Doesn't change what I feel, but to a six year old it would be difficult to understand.

Rambles galore today - sorry. Just very much in my head these days and have to put those head things some where. As here is the only place that is always in my time zone AND tells me not to shut up, I will hang my head stuff here. Anyways, another update should be soon. I'm expecting to leave here within the weekend.